Managing Maycember

"Maycember" can be...a lot

Making it Through Life’s Busy Phases

“Maycember” is in full swing. Are you wondering what “Maycember” is? Basically it’s just May, but with a nod to the impossible busyness of it when you are raising children, similar to December. Or September. Or June (at least for those of us in parts of the country where school doesn’t get out until almost the 4th of July). Let’s face it, life with kids has a lot of busy months. There are just too many meetings and field trips and tests and extracurricular activities and special events. And that is in addition to jobs and all of the other adulting that is, for sure, on our plates. How do we manage it all and how do we support our kids in managing it all in ways that can keep everyone relatively mentally healthy and won’t burn anyone out (at least long-term)? 

Be Intentional

One helpful key is to remember that we just can’t do it all. We can’t. Impossible. We can try, and try we will, but the demands really are just unsustainable. That means that we need to make choices. We just have to. Here’s the thing- time, attention, energy, and money are all finite resources. And anything that we allocate resources to means that we have less to put towards other things. But that also means that when we say “no” to something and save those resources, it frees up space for something else.

This means that the busy seasons of life will be less scathing if we can consider very carefully what is important to us. What are our values? What are our priorities? What do we want to take up space? Considering this and then making decisions with intention is protective. It allows us to set boundaries in ways that are aligned with how we want to show up in the world. With who we want to be. 

Because if we don’t allocate our time and energy and money with intention, by default we will do it recklessly, giving it away to the first person or group or team or committee who asks. And this type of unintentional giving is what will lead to resentment and burnout. 

Once again, for emphasis: Saying yes to something means saying no somewhere else in your life because there is only so much time, attention, energy, and money to go around. And conversely, saying no to things that aren’t important to you opens up space for things that are.

Find Balance by Breaking it Down

But what can you do when there are too many things happening all at the same time and they all feel important? 

After you have said “no” to the things that are not aligned with your values or priorities, first clear some mental space by getting rid of other distractions. Delete the junk emails trying to steal your attention, throw away the flyers for things you’ve decided are beyond your capacity, and then take a careful look at what is left. 

But to find balance, only look at what you need to. This will help break it down into manageable pieces. Looking at a whole month all at once might make you feel dizzy with overwhelm. So only look at the whole picture very softly, just to have a general idea of the landscape. Then, focus on your schedule for a single day. Ask yourself: “Where are the conflicts?” “What feels sustainable?” We can occasionally push through an overcrowded day or two but we can’t do that everyday. Consider whether today is one of those days. And then very gently look at your schedule for the rest of the week, to provide context. Will there be other opportunities to circle back to certain things? Are there any big events coming up like a test, or recital, or big competition? Then maybe those things move to the forefront of your priority list, at least temporarily, while others can take a more back seat for a while.  You can also consider what is going to matter more for the long-term as a way of prioritizing. 

Going through this process might still leave you with feelings of disappointment that you can’t do everything or guilt that you had to say no to someone or other uncomfortable emotions but ultimately by considering your choices carefully, you can know that you are making the best decisions you can in a way that is values-aligned with what matters to you.

Time Boundaries are Self-Care

Often when we talk about self-care, the first thing we think of is stuff like pedicures or massages or shopping trips. And those things can be great. If you enjoy these things, definitely make space for them when you can. 

But deeper self-care is about more than that. It is about making decisions that are sustainable to you and that protect your well-being. What this looks like is going to be different for everyone because it is partially dependent on what needs and what supports you have. What is your childcare situation? Do you have people to carpool with? Who is running the errands and buying the groceries and taking care of household tasks? Do you have a partner that will share certain tasks?

All of this helps determine what is manageable for us. And what fills one person’s plate might be completely different than what is manageable for someone else. Understanding this and learning how to set boundaries accordingly is such an important component of self-care. Boundaries are how we protect ourselves and what is important to us and keep our lives manageable. And this is especially important when things are busy and doing it all is likely impossible.

Many of us have been conditioned to always say “yes.” We were taught that we should self-sacrifice and place others ahead of ourselves and to push our own needs to the side. Because of this, and because we don’t want to disappoint others, saying “no”  to things that are asked of us can feel uncomfortable. But it can also be what protects ourselves and saves us for what we truly value.

But there is also nuance to this. Sometimes saying yes to things we don’t want to do is important. But determining when is the right time to do that, and when it is better to say “no”, once again, comes down to values. If you are feeling compelled to say “yes” to something, ask yourself “why?” What is it in there that is important to you? Reflecting on this and considering the answer can help lead you to making decisions that are value-aligned. And that is a crucial component to self-care.

Involve the Kids

When you are considering how to prioritize, loop your kids into these decisions. Find out what is important to them and why, and take this into consideration. Helping them think through this stuff allows them to get in touch with their personal values. It gives them some control and autonomy and also helps them understand that resources are finite. Normalize having conversations like “We can’t do everything. We have the time and budget for one of these two options. Which is more important to you?” Encouraging this type of thinking is also an important skill for your kids to cultivate as they get older and take an increasing responsibility for managing their own lives. And including kids in this type of thinking can give you an interesting window into how they problem-solve, give consideration to different factors, and think about what is important to them.

Lead with Grace and Compassion

Busy moments in life are…a lot. And not only do they draw on our physical resources like time and money, they also draw on our mental resources like our emotional capacity and our executive functioning. (Executive functioning is our ability to engage plan and organize, to regulate our actions and emotions, and to focus- all things that become extremely difficult when we are mentally taxed). It is completely normal during these times to be a bit more absent-minded or short-tempered or to make mistakes. When this happens, to yourself or your kids or to your other loved ones, lead with generosity and compassion. Remember that it is a crazy time and that everyone is trying to manage a lot. Use it as a sign to try to slow down or take a break or figure out if there is something else that you can set aside for the time being. 

Also know that phases like this are normal. 

And if it isn’t a phase, then maybe it is a sign to take a closer look at some of your larger commitments or responsibilities to see if there is a place where you can simplify or make a change or add more support. At the end of the day, assume that everyone is doing their best. And try not to let yourself be the last one that you extend this form of grace to.